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Entry tags:
Reasoning
2 Drabbles in a 7 drabble series, detailing the theme of parenthood and the feelings surrounding it for Allelujah and Marie.
Title: Mother
Pairing: Allelujah/Marie
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Mentions of sex, Implying sex, Spoilers, Fluff, Parenthood, Pregnancy
That word had been almost frightening to consider at first. It was because of the many ways he had seen her before. He had seen her in her in those same clothes she word onboard the Ptolemy and he remembered feeling like she was strong. She was unwavering, she would do work and provide support wherever she could even as a normal person. He remembered fearing for her and despite seeing her muscles and trained physique in the tight space suits he could only see her as fragile. She was not weak but space was unforgiving. He remembered seeing her in the medical gown before he returned to help Setsuna in that final fight. He had felt something he couldn’t quite define. He had simply stared at her like that feeling discomfort and worry. He could not quite bring himself to understand why he hated seeing her like that even though it meant she was safe, that he had saved her. He still could not think of a word for her in that state to this day.
But mother was an even scarier word.
Still, Allelujah could not help but imagine it. It was so hard to think about children without recalling the children he had…he had always lost his train of thought. These thoughts had come to him while he was watching Marie sleep or speaking to her. He remembered she had been a child once, one he had not killed. He felt a lurch in his stomach when he recalled he left her behind, but still…it gave him an odd sense of comfort. Once he stopped thinking about those children he started thinking about his own. The children who would not be orphans or test subjects- children that would be his and Marie’s. The word came to him again and he felt an odd feeling. Would Marie want to be a Mother? He couldn’t think of her not wanting to be a mother or disliking children. They’d talked about many embarrassing things and the few times they’d brought up children he remembered the look in her eye as she would say a few things and then one of them would end up changing the subject.
He thought of her as a mother on some days. There were some days when they would make love and he would let the word play on his lips as he watched her drifting to sleep. She would always be naked and he would hold her body close to his as he thought of a child that looked like her. The word would continue to play on his lips as part of him wished that maybe this time she would be pregnant. He would see a girl who was small and had silver hair just like her- but she would have a darker complexion and pale blue eyes. Maybe her hair would curl a little in the small defiant way his did, but it wouldn’t matter too much because it would be so long… He would feel happiness inside of him when he thought of this. He felt the same kind of happiness on the nights when he made love to her and just drifted to sleep with her. He felt the same kind of happiness when he spoke to her about trivial things and laughed as hard as he could.
One day, a day that came several times, he wanted to speak to her about it. He wanted to bring her close to him and feel the happiness he felt alone. He wanted to share it with Marie and ask her if she wanted to be a mother. She had already become his wife. She had already been his lover and his girlfriend. He would open his mouth to begin his statement and he would imagine the words over and over in his head: “Marie, do you think we should have children anytime soon?” he would begin in his mind. Then before the words could form in real time he stopped and realized that he would be ‘Father’ if she was ‘Mother’. Suddenly all the suppressed things could come back. The children he had killed would come to his mind and he would feel that he was no father. Marie was the perfect embodiment of many things, Mother was another thing her gentle hands and her smile could do that would suit her. Being a Mother might make her happy.
But what child, he thought with a pessimistic dash to his dreams, would want someone like him as ‘Father’?
He would always pull her close and she would look at him with intrigue. He would hold her and they would speak. They would make love or hold one another. Eventually one day Allelujah would work up the nerve to speak to her about it. He would look at her face and see in her eyes the look of a woman who he loved beyond reason and he would think that somehow even though he was not a good person, that she would be the Mother to his Father made it worth it.
Title: Better Place
Pairing: Allelujah/Marie
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Mentions of sex, Implying sex, Spoilers, Fluff, Parenthood, Pregnancy
For a long time Marie had been thinking about it. Parenthood seemed like it was such a big deal. More than anything Marie believed that Allelujah would be a good father. He had found a form of a family and had left it behind to be with her and to find his purpose. He had been a calm and resourceful person the entire time she knew him- and she believed in him. Together they could give a child guidance in this world, couldn’t they?
Then the word ‘they’ got to her.
Marie had never had full waves of guilt like Allelujah. Sometimes when she was up at night she felt guilty for killing Hallelujah. Allelujah had been afraid of Hallelujah in a sense, it was a slight comfort to know that he had been a source of terror. Yet he was still her kind, and he was still Allelujah. She would lie in bed and feign sleep until he was long since dreaming and she would wish she could forget she had done that.
When she read the positive sign on her pregnancy test she suddenly felt guilty. She wanted to tell Allelujah and to make him happy but part of her felt so disdainful. ‘What child would want me?’ she asked herself lightly, ‘I sought revenge to the point I even ignored Allelujah- I couldn’t stop Soma from hurting Allelujah. I am not strong enough to overcome my own pain. How could I guide a child to be any better than me?’ Allelujah saw her forlorn look over a period of days and he asked her what was wrong. “Nothing, Allelujah, I promise” He had smiled at her.
She felt even guiltier. She’d have to tell him soon. She’d never doubted Allelujah’s feelings for her but sometimes she’d wanted to. She wanted to believe he’d agree with her but she knew it wouldn’t be true- he would encourage her. He loved her like she loved him. She took a deep gulp and felt a disdain for this whole place. More than anything she felt guilty.
“Marie,” Allelujah said one day in the after math of love making. “You seem unhappy even now.” He seemed deeply troubled by her silence. He looked at her. “If it’s about moving…I am starting to feel uneasy about this place…if you worry I am too accustomed to this place to leave, please don’t Marie. If you want to leave, we can leave.” Marie looked up at him and then sat up. “We could leave no matter what, go to a place where there’s something better?” He looked at her and gave her an odd look. She never spoke like this- like there was definitely something better wherever they went. He smiled at her.
“Yes Marie…we can certainly go to a place like that.” Marie laid back down beside him on her back. He put his arm on her shoulder and smiled and felt a certain contentment in the air. She opened her mouth. “Allelujah…I…” Allelujah stayed quiet for a moment. “Yes, Marie?” With a certain silence hanging in the air she felt like perhaps she had only assumed his feelings. What if he didn’t want children? No…she was certain now she was only trying to talk herself out of telling the honest truth.
She sat up again but this time she didn’t face him. He sat up and put his hand on her shoulder as she slouched down and didn’t say anything to him. ‘Am I fit to be a mother?’ she asked herself in her head. “Marie?” he questioned with a worrisome tone. She turned to look at him and smiled.
“Allelujah- I’m…pregnant.”
There was silence for a moment. Marie had seen that look he was making in his eye before. He wasn’t mad. But he wasn’t something she could read just yet…and then he pulled her into his arms and he could feel the happiness burn in his stomach. She felt a relief from a pain she had been hiding for a month. “I…” Allelujah stopped before he said much else. The sentiment got across. “Did you want this, Allelujah? Do you mind…being a parent?” Allelujah rested his chin on top of her head and looked at the ceiling. He tightened his grip on her and felt something there-…something he couldn’t explain. “Yes, Marie.” For a moment nothing else was said.
“Let’s go, Marie.” He finally stated. “Let’s go to a place where there is something better. Let’s find wherever that place is.” And it was clear then. They wouldn’t even have to stay forever if they found it. But wherever they went would be a place where they did find something. Maybe it would be something they needed to find in themselves. But for now they simply laid back and held one another. There they stayed awake for hours discussing things that weren’t even about that subject- but it was something that would bring them closer…
To that better place.
Title: Mother
Pairing: Allelujah/Marie
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Mentions of sex, Implying sex, Spoilers, Fluff, Parenthood, Pregnancy
That word had been almost frightening to consider at first. It was because of the many ways he had seen her before. He had seen her in her in those same clothes she word onboard the Ptolemy and he remembered feeling like she was strong. She was unwavering, she would do work and provide support wherever she could even as a normal person. He remembered fearing for her and despite seeing her muscles and trained physique in the tight space suits he could only see her as fragile. She was not weak but space was unforgiving. He remembered seeing her in the medical gown before he returned to help Setsuna in that final fight. He had felt something he couldn’t quite define. He had simply stared at her like that feeling discomfort and worry. He could not quite bring himself to understand why he hated seeing her like that even though it meant she was safe, that he had saved her. He still could not think of a word for her in that state to this day.
But mother was an even scarier word.
Still, Allelujah could not help but imagine it. It was so hard to think about children without recalling the children he had…he had always lost his train of thought. These thoughts had come to him while he was watching Marie sleep or speaking to her. He remembered she had been a child once, one he had not killed. He felt a lurch in his stomach when he recalled he left her behind, but still…it gave him an odd sense of comfort. Once he stopped thinking about those children he started thinking about his own. The children who would not be orphans or test subjects- children that would be his and Marie’s. The word came to him again and he felt an odd feeling. Would Marie want to be a Mother? He couldn’t think of her not wanting to be a mother or disliking children. They’d talked about many embarrassing things and the few times they’d brought up children he remembered the look in her eye as she would say a few things and then one of them would end up changing the subject.
He thought of her as a mother on some days. There were some days when they would make love and he would let the word play on his lips as he watched her drifting to sleep. She would always be naked and he would hold her body close to his as he thought of a child that looked like her. The word would continue to play on his lips as part of him wished that maybe this time she would be pregnant. He would see a girl who was small and had silver hair just like her- but she would have a darker complexion and pale blue eyes. Maybe her hair would curl a little in the small defiant way his did, but it wouldn’t matter too much because it would be so long… He would feel happiness inside of him when he thought of this. He felt the same kind of happiness on the nights when he made love to her and just drifted to sleep with her. He felt the same kind of happiness when he spoke to her about trivial things and laughed as hard as he could.
One day, a day that came several times, he wanted to speak to her about it. He wanted to bring her close to him and feel the happiness he felt alone. He wanted to share it with Marie and ask her if she wanted to be a mother. She had already become his wife. She had already been his lover and his girlfriend. He would open his mouth to begin his statement and he would imagine the words over and over in his head: “Marie, do you think we should have children anytime soon?” he would begin in his mind. Then before the words could form in real time he stopped and realized that he would be ‘Father’ if she was ‘Mother’. Suddenly all the suppressed things could come back. The children he had killed would come to his mind and he would feel that he was no father. Marie was the perfect embodiment of many things, Mother was another thing her gentle hands and her smile could do that would suit her. Being a Mother might make her happy.
But what child, he thought with a pessimistic dash to his dreams, would want someone like him as ‘Father’?
He would always pull her close and she would look at him with intrigue. He would hold her and they would speak. They would make love or hold one another. Eventually one day Allelujah would work up the nerve to speak to her about it. He would look at her face and see in her eyes the look of a woman who he loved beyond reason and he would think that somehow even though he was not a good person, that she would be the Mother to his Father made it worth it.
Title: Better Place
Pairing: Allelujah/Marie
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Mentions of sex, Implying sex, Spoilers, Fluff, Parenthood, Pregnancy
For a long time Marie had been thinking about it. Parenthood seemed like it was such a big deal. More than anything Marie believed that Allelujah would be a good father. He had found a form of a family and had left it behind to be with her and to find his purpose. He had been a calm and resourceful person the entire time she knew him- and she believed in him. Together they could give a child guidance in this world, couldn’t they?
Then the word ‘they’ got to her.
Marie had never had full waves of guilt like Allelujah. Sometimes when she was up at night she felt guilty for killing Hallelujah. Allelujah had been afraid of Hallelujah in a sense, it was a slight comfort to know that he had been a source of terror. Yet he was still her kind, and he was still Allelujah. She would lie in bed and feign sleep until he was long since dreaming and she would wish she could forget she had done that.
When she read the positive sign on her pregnancy test she suddenly felt guilty. She wanted to tell Allelujah and to make him happy but part of her felt so disdainful. ‘What child would want me?’ she asked herself lightly, ‘I sought revenge to the point I even ignored Allelujah- I couldn’t stop Soma from hurting Allelujah. I am not strong enough to overcome my own pain. How could I guide a child to be any better than me?’ Allelujah saw her forlorn look over a period of days and he asked her what was wrong. “Nothing, Allelujah, I promise” He had smiled at her.
She felt even guiltier. She’d have to tell him soon. She’d never doubted Allelujah’s feelings for her but sometimes she’d wanted to. She wanted to believe he’d agree with her but she knew it wouldn’t be true- he would encourage her. He loved her like she loved him. She took a deep gulp and felt a disdain for this whole place. More than anything she felt guilty.
“Marie,” Allelujah said one day in the after math of love making. “You seem unhappy even now.” He seemed deeply troubled by her silence. He looked at her. “If it’s about moving…I am starting to feel uneasy about this place…if you worry I am too accustomed to this place to leave, please don’t Marie. If you want to leave, we can leave.” Marie looked up at him and then sat up. “We could leave no matter what, go to a place where there’s something better?” He looked at her and gave her an odd look. She never spoke like this- like there was definitely something better wherever they went. He smiled at her.
“Yes Marie…we can certainly go to a place like that.” Marie laid back down beside him on her back. He put his arm on her shoulder and smiled and felt a certain contentment in the air. She opened her mouth. “Allelujah…I…” Allelujah stayed quiet for a moment. “Yes, Marie?” With a certain silence hanging in the air she felt like perhaps she had only assumed his feelings. What if he didn’t want children? No…she was certain now she was only trying to talk herself out of telling the honest truth.
She sat up again but this time she didn’t face him. He sat up and put his hand on her shoulder as she slouched down and didn’t say anything to him. ‘Am I fit to be a mother?’ she asked herself in her head. “Marie?” he questioned with a worrisome tone. She turned to look at him and smiled.
“Allelujah- I’m…pregnant.”
There was silence for a moment. Marie had seen that look he was making in his eye before. He wasn’t mad. But he wasn’t something she could read just yet…and then he pulled her into his arms and he could feel the happiness burn in his stomach. She felt a relief from a pain she had been hiding for a month. “I…” Allelujah stopped before he said much else. The sentiment got across. “Did you want this, Allelujah? Do you mind…being a parent?” Allelujah rested his chin on top of her head and looked at the ceiling. He tightened his grip on her and felt something there-…something he couldn’t explain. “Yes, Marie.” For a moment nothing else was said.
“Let’s go, Marie.” He finally stated. “Let’s go to a place where there is something better. Let’s find wherever that place is.” And it was clear then. They wouldn’t even have to stay forever if they found it. But wherever they went would be a place where they did find something. Maybe it would be something they needed to find in themselves. But for now they simply laid back and held one another. There they stayed awake for hours discussing things that weren’t even about that subject- but it was something that would bring them closer…
To that better place.